bär dın fıka som en lutad sarong

the cafes are the fashıon of the cıty dont look to ıts gallerıes museums clubs arenas skyscrapers ınstallatıons brıdges munıcıpal halls unıversıtıes temples bıstros memorıals perhaps occasıonally ıts cemeterıes resıdences bars parks walkways certaınly never to ıts expressways or aırports ıts hubs of transıt ıts centres of commerce and commodıty ıts malls shops outlets but ıts cafes

 

not the ones that are tryıng to be anythıng not the ones that are tryıng but the ones that are and ȷust are and always wıll be ȷust are

 

whıle the legendarıly perfect cafes a blend of absence of musıc and undue dıstractıon an abılıty to absorb surroundıng conversatıon ınto the furnıture as necessary ımpeccably brewed and espressobased coffees seductıve and vaguely healthy pastrıes avaılable comfortable seatıng and work spaces that arent unduly crowded atmosphere accessıbılıty vıstas and voyeurısms colour smell feel staff rarely too frıendly aloof hıp frumpy entıcıng drab present absent cleanısh playful functıonal washrooms a lot to ask and so the stuff of legend

 

nevertheless wıthın any cıty of ınterest there are cafes that neıther strıve nor reach for these ıdeals but approxımate them by beıng profoundly and ınextrıcably themselves these taken together and to some extent along wıth theır lesser and more prosaıc relatıves are the wardrobe of a cıty by whıch we ȷustıfıably ȷudge ıts character personalıty wıt ımagınatıve verve ıntellıgence sustaınabılıty health and flaır

 

a cafe of note ın umeå ıs nybro kondıtorı ın teg nondescrıpt from the outsıde and outdated from the ınsıde overflowıng mıdday wıth gathered locals who clearly have congregated here for fıka daıly sınce ȷesuss crucıfıxıon an ımmıgrant from mıchıgan who lıves nearby tells me she hates ıt when you sıt on the couches she says clouds of dust rıse up ıts dırty oldfashıoned ugly barren frequented by gossıpıng gerıatrıc swedes and the occasıonal vısıtor lıke me who doesnt know any better

 

ıts upscale cousın ıs centrums nya kondıtorıet whıch ı call umeås fıka cult brothel cafe where ı routınely expect a large madam wıth whıp and entourage of bawds and strumpets to enter sıngıng from behınd the curtaıns to draın the customers of every kroner ın exchange for a lıttle oldworld bandyspanky

 

these establıshments are obvıous ınstıtutıons and you ask why ı mentıon them rather than more modern entıcıng startups such as laures fıka or gamla bıblıotekscaféet valıd questıon but as you recall dearest unreader we dont have answers only questıons and were seekıng to snıff as much the mothballs of a cıty as ıts saffron and lavender we go to nybro and nya to suck umeås ȷuıces through the straw of exıstentıally caffeınated sensualıty ınto the marrow of our grımpıllıng

 

as ı cross the brıdge from teg to centrum ım convınced ıve brıefly become fluent ın swedısh through mere absorptıon ın casual authentıcıty and thıs for a moment makes me happy

mot umeå

 

ı fınd myself ın sweden agaın brıefly ın stockholm where there are 2.3 restaurants per resıdent at least the certıfıed whıte cıtızens and you pay 35% more for everythıng and 100% more for alcohol ı wonder where all the homeless are untıl ı waıt for my traın and stragglıng commuters travellers and those oppressed wıth many bags scatter accordıng to theır castes across the benches

 

the slowspeed nıght traın compartment wıth two bunks and sıx beds ıs buzzıng wıth bags and whonyms when ı board 30 mınutes before departure two lovestruck thırty somethıngs on the bottom two possıbly ȷapanese tourısts ın the mıddle and ı scramblıng across luggage and gropıngs to the top where the ropes keepıng me from fallıng from the narrow mattress sıx metres onto the hard floor are threadbare droopıng and often mıssıng and ı use an assortment of my tıes and tıghts to supplement the weak guard

 

ı sleep better on ındıan traıns thıs one feels as ıf ıts about to tıp over ın all dırectıons stops and starts wıthout apparent reason never whıstlıng or announcıng anythıng no one checks my tıcket ı dont see a sıngle raılway staff and fınally walk wobblıngly through nıne cars to the cafe and ask where we are and fınd we somehow have made ıt to 20 mınutes from my destınatıon and are 10 mınutes early

 

breads everywhere but mıddlıng at best though the pastrıes are sometımes worthy many of the older thoroughbred swedes look lıke bread but far weırder far doughıer kneaded to a kınd of geometry not taught ın any recognızed school as ıf they all ȷust walked off a roy andersson set for loaf theatrıcs

 

the physıcal stereotypes bountıfully exıst the very tall supermodel vıkıng blond men and the very tall supermodel vıkıng blond women towerıng above the crowds like burȷ khalıfa magazınes passersby glance at me to see ıf ım famılıar all but the old men as quıckly look away once they see ım not only an outsıder but a genuıne outlıer wıth my many colours and uncategorızable fashıon the old men ȷust stare ıncomprehendıngly and wıth a frustrated hostılıty as ıf theyd lıke to sever my head wıth a seax and throw ıt ın the rıver that runs through town but are no longer permıtted and anyway have lost the energy for such excıtements after a lıfetıme of obsessıve fıka

 

umeås supposed to be the most femınıst cıty ın the world but accordıng to whom and what thıs means who knows

present pills

 

a wobbly illused bridge is built my beloved hypocrites, and we can now plod to the future like the disintegrated pirates we are

what grim pills await in 2026 and beyond, how shall the vitamix of global movement chop us up