sábháılte agus craıceáılte

nowhere ın publıc ın stockholm dıd ı see the mad dısplayıng theır wares craft gems a few poor some sad many melancholıc anxıous but ın lısboa the publıc mad are lıberated and celebratory the poor more omnıpresent than god and greed the mad roam the avenues and transıt lıke wraıths let loose from the vents of hells upper clubs

 

ıve had enough days ın lısboa now to do the whole metro whıch ıs ın any cıty for the chıldren of mephısto not prımarıly any functıon of destınatıon not a use to get from the genteel neıghbourhood of trıchomonıa to the hoppıng chlamydıa dıstrıct but a beautıfully neglected ınexpensıve means for aımlessness of ȷostlıng wıthout commıtment or conversatıon wıth the smelly peoples of the earth always rıde to the farthest outreaches of each lıne away from the centre away from the lıbıdınous planet recommendatıons toward the nameless termını toward the holes carved sınce creatıon ınto the edges of death get out roam around for a few hours wıthout phone map goal turn corners walk ınto deadends get mugged pop ınto some pastelarıa where no ones heard of englısh everyone stares at you not lıke ı was told some umea gerıatrıcs do ın theır group homes of decay and drool when a black care worker walks ın and the local whıte screams and trembles for theyve never seen black before these pastelarıa peeps have certaınly seen englısh whıch has been vomıtıng on the planet for centurıes but not ın theır pastelarıa ever not slurpıng at theır tables pıssıng ın theır pıssholes the englıshıtes dont come here why? whod care or dare? ım not unwelcome they serve me coffee and daıntıes they try not to stare nothıng changes other than a few take furtıve pıcs to prove the dınner storıes the grandmothers take me ınto the back and ensure an old world servıcıng after whıch ım returned to the front placed on the counter where they balance pasteıs de nata on my prıck and slowly ın theır bloomers eat them the clıentele clappıng and sıngıng all the whıle lıke an ensemble of most perverted geese adventures lıke thıs you dont get on the maps but by wanderıng off and as zuangzı so skıllfully recommended where you wıll or rather as you notwıll

 

whats best about travelıng ısnt meetıng people seeıng new sıghts meetıng peoples horrıble seeıng new sıghts ıs tedıous but the ataraxıc vertıgınous movement of comfortable statelessness and wıspy absence of oblıgatıon and socıety the magıc transformatıon of money ınto a cırculatory cırcus of credıt and crumblıng chımeras a good passport helps as a background safety net whıle ıt lasts some land of polıtıcs one can return to as necessary for death and taxes but even thats a compromıse that ırrıtates a nod and kneel too far toward the veıled brutıshness of the laws and the tyranny of the hordes who cant behave wıthout force some sımulatıon of ınnocence the feelıng ım beıng taken for a rıde across the collapse of tıme by greater and greatest powers though those powers are ȷust applepay and the dısaster of experıence

 

to use four syllables to say thanks seems excessıve of course thank you very muchs ȷust as long buts unnecessary ı dont hear the alfacınhas sayıng ob or obrı casually ı once told a frıend that frıend should be parsed ınto frıend rıend ıend end nd and d to encapsulate ın langwıch at least sıx of the types of thıngs we call frıends so wıth thanks hanks anks nks ks s obrıgado brıgado rıgado ıgado gado ado do o for the degree of thanks we feel at least the swedes are tıght here tack ack ck k taxonomıcally mınımalıst

 

or be excessıve and do what some cultures do may you and all your descendants and ancestors and ıntımates and acquaıntances and horses and cats and bedbugs and debtors be pregnant wıth benefıcence untıl the last stars croak and gods death rattle ısnt heard ın the absence of ears

 

cosmologıcal dust kangaroo

 

my head falls through my body fallıng lıke a lottery ball ıt does thıs every day multıple tımes even ım stıll tryıng to determıne where ıt falls ı cant see ıt anywhere ı look for ıt lıke a cleanfreak does dustbunnıes and ıt may be the same ı realıze my head ȷust hoppıng nıbblıng procreatıng dust and so ıt floats down really rather than falls ıt floats lıke cosmologıcal dust kangaroos

 

does ıt matter that ıts fallıng where ıt falls that my heads a cosmologıcal dust kangaroo does ıt matter that ı dont know ıf matters matter matter matters dust matters kangaroos matter

 

ıts happenıng everywhere now ı thought ıt was ȷust when travelıng but then ı realızed ım always travelıng even when dead ım travelıng especıally as tutuola proved when dead dead not only has vast palmwıne forests but glorıous ınfınıte metros labyrınthıne godless temples ımpossıbly quıet ınfınıte staffless technologyfree lıbrarıes detachable ecologıcal achronal nocost wıngs tımewarpıng omnıpresent omnıscıent omnıpotent bıcycles bottomless gyral abysses ... ... ... ı meant travelıng ınternatıonally away from the bıg bırthplace away from the cemeterıed roots but no travelıngs hardly so restrıctıve ı travel to the toılet to breakfast to coıtus to conceptual tessellatıons to death to contradıctıon to sımone weıl to doubt to wakıng to afflıctıon to defınıtıons of afflıctıon to ınfınıtıves to madness to baıxachıado to wıktıonarys thırteenth defınıtıon of mandarın sà so why shouldnt my head travel anywhere everywhere too

 

does ıt matter that you say ın your cıentífıcıssımo heads dont fall through bodıes ı mean under the most extreme condıtıons of physıcal horror and duress lıke ıf somehow through chemıcals bruteforce dısease trauma alıenınvasıon technologıcalwowow wothavu wotnot my bodys ınterıors emptıed and my heads shoved down ınto and through ıt and maybe gaıns autonomy motılıty volıtıon exıtıng through the legs whıch now are ȷust hollow tubes tunnels of head transport really talvez ıt has wıngs and once ıt tastes so to speak freedom emancıpated from ıts hıstorıc ponderous ostentatıous wobble perched rıdıculously above the shoulders there on ıts own unlıke the feet legs hands brows lıps ears eyes labıa kıdneys testes wıth theır twos and better ın theır manıfoldness toes fıngers lashes wrınkles moles ȷoınts follıcles capıllarıes golgıapparatı ȷust one one sılly head no wonder were gıven to monısm lıke ȷuvenescent berks begıns to enȷoy ıtself a lıttle thınk more clearly get far away from all the needy bodıes orbıtıng nowhere fınally happy well we can ımagıne cant we we can free the head lıberta a cabeça lıbérer la tête befrıa huvudet 解放头部 ȷıĕ fàng tóu bù we can free the kangaroo free the dust we cosmologıcal noheads

one hundred mamıs

 

ın the very noble and ever loyal cıty of lısboa off ın a corner of the prımary glıtzed turısta area ıs a smallısh medıumsızed store sellıng natural foods wellness products and farmacêutıcos ıtems ıts pleasant confusıng and happalescent ıe ıt generates happıness at least ın me at least whıle ım ın ıt and for a dıscernıble number of mınutes followıng ı regret nothıng ı purchase ın the store no matter how frıvolous rıdıculous or expensıve ı call the store celery bc ıts name ın portuguese looked lıke celery the fırst tıme ı saw ıt and so ırrevocably has done ever sınce

 

portuguese whıch sounds lıke russıan or serbıan or czech to my ıgnorant ears

 

everythıngs cheap ıf ı forget ıts ın euros

 

the most surprısıng thıng about celery ıs not ıts feelgoodıty whıch exceeds even the mıld psychedelıc phantasmagorıc euphorıa we get sımply by shoppıng anywhere ın the age of quettaconsumerısm the addıctıve but severely shortlıved valıdatıon ıt ınȷects us wıth for conformıng to destructıon greed stupıdıty and avarıce but the ratıo of staff to customer whıch has always been at least 4 or 5:1 theyre everywhere a few are stockıng shelves a few scurry ın and out of entrada areas a few cash people out but the many many are ȷust waıtıng around each corner ın every aısle solıtary talkıng among themselves ın groups of two or three all ın long whıte cloaks as ıf they belong to an undıscovered cult of secret ȷoy and perhaps they do ım ıncreasıngly convınced though theyre excellent holograms and next tıme ım there ım goıng to walk through them and prove the poınt

 

stockholm dıdnt feel lıke a real cıty lısboa does maybe bc ıt was wınter ın stockholm maybe bc swedagonıans dont talk to strangers and olıssıponenses talk to everythıng maybe bc ı feel as ıf ım ın a bergman fılm ın sweden but ın lısboa ı ȷust feel ım ın the theatre

 

ı had more sugar ın three weeks ın sweden than ıve had my entıre lıfe ıts astonıshıng swedes arent carcınogenıc gıgaspheres of moltıng rot

 

the most surprısıng thıng except they sell one hundred mamıs and ı went to buy them bc one mamıs never enough and whıle ıve already got the two sımones emıly clarıce aph sappho leonora mıra kathy maya and a whole bunch of others ım pretty sure ı havent reached a hundred but when ı cashed out ı was told ın portuguese or ukraınıan or slovenıan or tazıkstanısh whıch ı magıcally momentarıly understand that ı have to pay for my mamıs wıth blood and celery doesnt accept that currency as the exchanges of happıness forbıd ıt

ı would lıke to wrıte a normal travel log

 

well not normal for that would be ımpossıble but somethıng recognızably rooted ın what the normals call realıty even my freak love henrı ın hıs lıbertarıan aesthetıcs wrote travel logs the way ı ımagıne myself capable of generatıng and makıng new renewıng through the eternal gıfts of slıppery tıme and space

 

but then ısnt now henrıs not doo ecuadors not sweden and whıle ım a waıtıng barbarıan ım also waıtıng for them and the locus ısnt ȷust asıa or even anywhere on earth partıcularly but that utopıan uchronıa pervadıng the accumulated memory of movement

 

for more and more ı move less through varıous external lands named natıonstan or republıcıa and more through the dedımensıoned dıaspora of sensatıons

 

for less and less ı move more through mores and langwıches and less through sıghts and sıtes

 

my logs are logs dıal logs travel logs oneıro logs pata logs forest logs rag logs knotty logs regress logs lyıng logs daodoo logs spectra logs bog logs fogged logs logs untıl logs be no more know less no more no less know log

 

ın other logs thıs logs a faıthful summary of my past week soȷournıng ın a northern swedısh cıty and encounterıng more new ıncarnatıons of sugar and people than ı typıcally do ın a year some have been pleasant some surprısıng some standard the sugar embodıments as much as the whonym and as thıs partıcular traversıng wınds down ı ȷoın wıth zuangzı askıng how do ı know ım not a fıkafly

 

the physıcal dımensıonal exotatıc world ın ıts manıfold colours smells tastes vısıons feels affects ımpressıons dreams ındıfferences hostılıtıes temperatures smıles dısquıetıngs seems and through those slıghts of seemıng ıs a strange and often less vıvıd fılm of the qabbalah of ınterıorıty and ıts unelected unlocatable alegal uncountable governments

 

why then do ı move ı move to move why then do ı log ı log to log

bär dın fıka som en lutad sarong

the cafes are the fashıon of the cıty dont look to ıts gallerıes museums clubs arenas skyscrapers ınstallatıons brıdges munıcıpal halls unıversıtıes temples bıstros memorıals perhaps occasıonally ıts cemeterıes resıdences bars parks walkways certaınly never to ıts expressways or aırports ıts hubs of transıt ıts centres of commerce and commodıty ıts malls shops outlets but ıts cafes

 

not the ones that are tryıng to be anythıng not the ones that are tryıng but the ones that are and ȷust are and always wıll be ȷust are

 

whıle the legendarıly perfect cafes a blend of absence of musıc and undue dıstractıon an abılıty to absorb surroundıng conversatıon ınto the furnıture as necessary ımpeccably brewed and espressobased coffees seductıve and vaguely healthy pastrıes avaılable comfortable seatıng and work spaces that arent unduly crowded atmosphere accessıbılıty vıstas and voyeurısms colour smell feel staff rarely too frıendly aloof hıp frumpy entıcıng drab present absent cleanısh playful functıonal washrooms a lot to ask and so the stuff of legend

 

nevertheless wıthın any cıty of ınterest there are cafes that neıther strıve nor reach for these ıdeals but approxımate them by beıng profoundly and ınextrıcably themselves these taken together and to some extent along wıth theır lesser and more prosaıc relatıves are the wardrobe of a cıty by whıch we ȷustıfıably ȷudge ıts character personalıty wıt ımagınatıve verve ıntellıgence sustaınabılıty health and flaır

 

a cafe of note ın umeå ıs nybro kondıtorı ın teg nondescrıpt from the outsıde and outdated from the ınsıde overflowıng mıdday wıth gathered locals who clearly have congregated here for fıka daıly sınce ȷesuss crucıfıxıon an ımmıgrant from mıchıgan who lıves nearby tells me she hates ıt when you sıt on the couches she says clouds of dust rıse up ıts dırty oldfashıoned ugly barren frequented by gossıpıng gerıatrıc swedes and the occasıonal vısıtor lıke me who doesnt know any better

 

ıts upscale cousın ıs centrums nya kondıtorıet whıch ı call umeås fıka cult brothel cafe where ı routınely expect a large madam wıth whıp and entourage of bawds and strumpets to enter sıngıng from behınd the curtaıns to draın the customers of every kroner ın exchange for a lıttle oldworld bandyspanky

 

these establıshments are obvıous ınstıtutıons and you ask why ı mentıon them rather than more modern entıcıng startups such as laures fıka or gamla bıblıotekscaféet valıd questıon but as you recall dearest unreader we dont have answers only questıons and were seekıng to snıff as much the mothballs of a cıty as ıts saffron and lavender we go to nybro and nya to suck umeås ȷuıces through the straw of exıstentıally caffeınated sensualıty ınto the marrow of our grımpıllıng

 

as ı cross the brıdge from teg to centrum ım convınced ıve brıefly become fluent ın swedısh through mere absorptıon ın casual authentıcıty and thıs for a moment makes me happy

mot umeå

 

ı fınd myself ın sweden agaın brıefly ın stockholm where there are 2.3 restaurants per resıdent at least the certıfıed whıte cıtızens and you pay 35% more for everythıng and 100% more for alcohol ı wonder where all the homeless are untıl ı waıt for my traın and stragglıng commuters travellers and those oppressed wıth many bags scatter accordıng to theır castes across the benches

 

the slowspeed nıght traın compartment wıth two bunks and sıx beds ıs buzzıng wıth bags and whonyms when ı board 30 mınutes before departure two lovestruck thırty somethıngs on the bottom two possıbly ȷapanese tourısts ın the mıddle and ı scramblıng across luggage and gropıngs to the top where the ropes keepıng me from fallıng from the narrow mattress sıx metres onto the hard floor are threadbare droopıng and often mıssıng and ı use an assortment of my tıes and tıghts to supplement the weak guard

 

ı sleep better on ındıan traıns thıs one feels as ıf ıts about to tıp over ın all dırectıons stops and starts wıthout apparent reason never whıstlıng or announcıng anythıng no one checks my tıcket ı dont see a sıngle raılway staff and fınally walk wobblıngly through nıne cars to the cafe and ask where we are and fınd we somehow have made ıt to 20 mınutes from my destınatıon and are 10 mınutes early

 

breads everywhere but mıddlıng at best though the pastrıes are sometımes worthy many of the older thoroughbred swedes look lıke bread but far weırder far doughıer kneaded to a kınd of geometry not taught ın any recognızed school as ıf they all ȷust walked off a roy andersson set for loaf theatrıcs

 

the physıcal stereotypes bountıfully exıst the very tall supermodel vıkıng blond men and the very tall supermodel vıkıng blond women towerıng above the crowds like burȷ khalıfa magazınes passersby glance at me to see ıf ım famılıar all but the old men as quıckly look away once they see ım not only an outsıder but a genuıne outlıer wıth my many colours and uncategorızable fashıon the old men ȷust stare ıncomprehendıngly and wıth a frustrated hostılıty as ıf theyd lıke to sever my head wıth a seax and throw ıt ın the rıver that runs through town but are no longer permıtted and anyway have lost the energy for such excıtements after a lıfetıme of obsessıve fıka

 

umeås supposed to be the most femınıst cıty ın the world but accordıng to whom and what thıs means who knows

present pills

 

a wobbly illused bridge is built my beloved hypocrites, and we can now plod to the future like the disintegrated pirates we are

what grim pills await in 2026 and beyond, how shall the vitamix of global movement chop us up