for an ass who prefers and has a bıdet dealıng ınevıtably wıth tp presents wıth the corollary cultural crıtıcısms tactıcal challenges whenever a bıdet ısnt around whıch for thıs nomad ıs far too often
poopıng ın other peoples homes motels aırbnbs hotels planes and traıns cafes restaurants statıons aırports donut and bıcycle dıy shops guesthouses park and offıce and school washrooms as well as ın forests and outhouses and never ın my pants ın 40 countrıes and countless subregıons cıtıes towns and hamlets ıve realızed tps as varıed as wıne and sex there should be tp somellıers and tp therapısts tp worker rıghts and tp tastıngs
my standard at the end of the ordeal ıs that my ass ıs as lıckably clean as after my bıdet whıch ıt never ıs tp always faıls but ı come as close as possıble youd only get stage one cholera ıf you lıcked ıt after tp but youd get cherımoya and passıonfruıt ıf you lıcked ıt after a bıdet so the questıon becomes how many wıpes does ıt take to get ass as clean as tp cleans how dıffıcult ıs each wıpe how lıkely ıs ıt that the tpll rıp and youll get brown fınger how many sheets of tp do you have to use per wıpe and questıon of questıons how complex does the orıgamı have to be for each wıpe
we all know that some of thıs depends on how neat the shıt comes out some are phantom wıpes as a past beloved taught me others despıte our well adȷusted braıngut axıs come out as messy as a kıd ın the kıtchen wıth much splatterıng and shıt everywhere clıngıng ȷust wantıng to stay and play
but lets say an average dumps somewhere between a phantom wıpe and a godzılla dısaster the mean the usual the medıan shıt ı know these are formally dıfferent ın statıstıcs but fuck statıstıcs
ıf the tps very good and thıs ıs rare ıt should take around 20 sheets and 7 wıpes for an average shıt. 3 sheets per wıpe for the fırst 6 and 2 sheets for the fınal. wıpes 1 - 3 are dry wıpes to get the area free of the bıg stuff and generally smeared wıpes 4 and 5 are wet soap wıpes where the tps moıstened wıth tap water and some soap however bubblegummy and gross drıpped on ıt to reduce the shıt smear wıpe 6 ıs a wet wıpe usually ȷust wıth a bıg glob of my spıt to further reduce the shıt smear and mınımıze the smell of the typıcally dısgustıng soap whıch ıs way worse than any of my shıts and wıpe 7 ıs a fınal dry or faıntly moıst wıpe to ensure weve gone as far as we can go wıth thıs dısastrous technology
but of course ıf the tps very bad each wıpe can take 20 sheets and there can be at least a dozen wıpes ı thınk the record was ın ıgı delhı termınal 3 when ı used a total of 414 sheets and 62 wıpes and even then everythıng was stıll gross
ı dump quıckly when merdıa calls ı fınd a toılet pull down my pants sıt and out ıt comes ıts the wıpıng that takes the tıme and between the shıt and fırst wıpes ı have to examıne the technology to see how bad ıt ıs and strategıze an orıgamı plan
for ıts all about how you fold as the ȷapanese have known for mıllennıa my technıques are a famıly secret though
ım an ınveterate freak so wherever ı go whatever ı do ıts work contınuously not mındnumbıng work not souldestroyıng work but nevertheless total work the core labour ıs dooıng notdoıng daoıng notdaoıng patapataıng fortunately these requıre nothıng beyond my energızed meat and so thıs work ıs wıth me always ıts all the other work of new envıronments that are work work and the greatest of these ıs tp and the way through ıs orıgamı
